Aminals

HI!

His name was Baby Tony, and we bought him at the Zoo.

Basically, in the ticket line of the Lao zoo someone was trying to donate him because his mother died. But the zoo didn't want to take him. Now imagine this happening in America: they gave him to us instead.  (Or rather Tony's mom, who has a permanent housekeeper at the drug mansion who could take care of him).

It was my happiest moment ever. The future never looked so bright.

Monkeys are probably the best pets ever. We tied a little string around his leg and he stood on our shoulders like a parrot. If he ever got rowdy you could tug on the string and he'd calm down. We fed him bananas. Tony's mom told us he could be trained to fetch things like sticky rice and cigarettes. Dogs just slobber on your clothes and shit in your yard and we still love them, so just try to imagine how cool a monkey is. 

The zoo itself was alright-- Zoo's are kind of the same everywhere.

They did have a buttload of alligators that you could throw meat to and they'd go bonkers.  We were told during mating season they have way to many eggs and you can buy them to eat, or as I'd do, raise them to eat my enemies.

You could also feed/ride an elephant for like 50 cents. It was cool sitting up there because he'd constantly lean his trunk over and hit you until you fed him a banana or a cucumber. HEY! CALM DOWN I'LL GIVE YOU ANOTHER FUCKING BANANA! The downside is riding an elephant feels like riding a giant hairy scrotum, but I'd still ride one to work everyday if I had the choice because its AN ELEPHANT!

Anyway, when we took Baby Tony home it seemed almost to good to be true.

And sure enough, we went to Bangkok for three days, and when we came back he was dead.

The fucking dog killed him while we were gone. Broke his neck like out of a Jack London book.

So yeah., huge bummer. Fucking dogs. THIS IS WHY ASIANS EAT YOU. Sorry for the sad ending, the next story will be about trannies and unicorn rainbow queefs.

In the meantime, everyone please join me in moment of silence for Baby Tony.

RIP Baby Tony

 I hoping you're eating bananas in Monkey Heaven right now my dude.