I've been in Laos for two days now. I don't think I can do the experience justice without about 20,000 words, so I think I'll just stick to the highlight reel. It's a different world over here. And I fucking love it.
We've been in Vientiane, the capital city, staying at Tony's Columbian Drug Mansion. I'll post pics later but for now, let's just say it's a paradise. All white marble, huge pillars, a 360-degree balcony with a stunning view... papaya and mango trees spring up in the huge lush yard... butterflies flit about everywhere. I'm definitely not roughing it over here.
But it is different here. The house is about 15 minutes outside the city, and that's far enough to change to bumpy dirt roads and rice paddies. Cows just laze around and little kids herd them across the street. I'm so mind-fucked just trying to convey every nuance and detail... I'll have to save that for later. For now, let's stick to the good stories.
Last night we ate dog.
Now don't get all butthurt about it, I am a HUGE dog lover too. So I wasn't without reservations. On the way there I was nervous-- my mouth dry, my heart beating a little fast, but for some reason, I wanted to do it. Dogs run around in the streets here everywhere, so of course I noticed every single one of them being all cute and playful on the way there. I'm going to eat you, I thought.
And I did.
Long story short, it's pretty good. Chewy, dark, kind of like pork. Once I saw it just sitting there already prepared, it was easy. It looked like a big rack of ribs... with a little tail poking out. We dipped the meat in a spicy sauce made of, guess what, dog organs! Everyone else ate it too, although we feel varying degrees of guilt. David is trying to rationalize it still. Fuck it, I'm over it. I'll get into the moralizing later.
What else what else what else... so much to love here. It's awesome being the minority and having people laugh at you. I meet eyes with people and at first they just stare, perhaps trying not to gawk (although some openly just look at you like "what the fuck are you doing here?") Then almost simultaneously we'll both smile and laugh. It's the best feeling. Sometimes groups of girls whistle at us as we walk, which is a welcome role reversal. They are stunningly beautiful by the way.
I've also eaten frogs, quail, tons of noodles, some sort of bugs that looked like grasshoppers, big green coconuts, whole baked fish on sticks, weird looking alien fruits... so much in 2 days, and it's all fucking delicious. And no diarrhea yet!
Went to a Lao nightclub last night, got completely hammered. All they drink here is beerlao, a 5% really smooth, slightly bitter beer that is delicious. They come in 1L bottles for $1 about anywhere you go, even the nightclub. I think the four of us plus Tony's cousin from our dog dinner onward had about 30 of them. Yes, this is going somewhere funny.
We were already hammered entering the nightclub, and I was pretty fucking exhausted already so I really just wanted to chill, but the atmosphere was hilarious. Super loud american party music blasted, I mean I'm talking the same songs you'd here at a frat party. We Don't Speak No Americano came on, it was insane. Tons of beautiful asian girls everywhere. Probably some were prostitutes. Not really sure.
Well Tony and Ressa were basically blacked out. Ressa started talking to these asian dudes, and by talking I mean yelling English words that they couldn't understand. Tony kept buying round after round of beers, chain-smoking ciggarettes, and at one point attempted to buy a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, which would have taken us from hammered to dead about a quarter way in. Luckily we talked him out of it.
Well after awhile Tony and Ressa were so drunk Tony's cousin and uncle decided we should probably leave. I went to tear Ressa away from his dude-pals, and made an interesting discovery.
You see, as I was trying to convince Ressa to leave ("Why are we leaving?") the guy Ressa had been talking to kind of playfully grabbed at my nipples. I just laughed because it was so unexpected. Then he shouted something in my ear.
I thought he said "I'm Kwey", like his name, and repeated it.
"Nono," he said, and he repeated it, this time sounding like "Fung Shwei." I really had no clue what he was saying.
Then, right about the time he started gently squeezing my dick, just a little honkin', I realized what he was saying.
He was saying I'm Gay.
I burst out laughing. "Of course. You're gay."
So Ressa had been hanging out with a gay asian dude for about an hour--whom I later found out grabbed everyone's dick except Tony's. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
As we were leaving we couldn't find Tony. After awhile he comes out with two giant bottles of beer. "Oh, there you are. Shit, I just bought four more beers. Oh well." So the whole ride home I had a nice liter of beer to keep me company-- as if I needed it.
Now I was pretty drunk, but I'm a controlled drunk. David too. But Ressa and Tony? They ould barely talk, let alone walk. They fell asleep in our Tuc-Tuc (a three-wheeled cart that you sit in the back of) almost instantly.
Their night went downhill after that. Tony not only puked, he puked in his hat for some reason. Ressa spilled his guts too. Ressa is really belligerent when he's wasted, and spent about 5 minutes arguing with me that he could just "sleep in the vehicle" as I tried to help him out and get him to bed. Tony's mom was concerned, and Tony's dad just laughed at him.
Also, Tony fell asleep in the bathtub with the shower on. I tried to get him into bed but he wasn't having it, so I went downstairs to eat some grasshoppers instead. I'm a good friend.
I've seen so much cool shit in just two days. I can't even process it all. I'll write something better when I get home with pictures, but for now I'll just ramble every once in awhile. All for you dear readers, whoever the fuck you are.
Everyone has a great sense of humor over here. Tony's family is awesome. One of the older women said I was white like Micheal Jackson and had a very handsome nose. They all like my nose. Note: I have a beak-nose.
We came in super-white and everyone marveled at our skin. White is beautiful here. Girls carry around umbrellas during the day to keep their skin fair. Of course in two days I've been massively sunburned. I hope this doesn't lower my value.
Well, stay tuned for more adventures. I'll try to be less rambly next time, but hey, this internet isn't free you know. It's almost an entire dollar an hour.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Last Day and Some Important Details
Ahh, the last day. It has not escaped me that we leave on the 4th of July. Do not worry, I have already completed my patriotic duty of getting drunk and lighting off dangerous fireworks.
Some assorted details I forgot: there will be four of us going, all high school buddies. Me and Thony, and also David and Ressa.
Ressa is basically the whitest kid ever. He eats mac n cheese and hotdogs, looks a lot like Justin Bieber (despite being the oldest of us), and talks a lot about the Stock Market. My goal is to put him in as many culturally challenging positions as possible. Like in the warm embrace of a Thai ladyboy. You know, to open his mind.
David is basically me but smarter. Good company.
Now, for a long time I was under the impression that this was it, us four merry pranksters. Out of the blue one day Thony messages me "Oh by the way my parents and 15 year old sister are going."
WHAT?
Initially I was not thrilled about this. Tony's mom calls him at least 5 times a day, just to ask him what kind of sub he got from Subway. Jesus man, you can't even sever the cord for a month?
Now that I've had time to think I'm actually glad they're coming. They'll only be with us in Laos; Vietnam is our own thing. And we are staying part time in their Columbian Drug Mansion, so I'd be a whiny bitch to complain. But also Tony's parents are actually really funny and cool to hang out with. I've also been assured that we can go off on our own for a few days, perhaps with one of Tony's cousins or uncles as a guide.I'm cool with it all around.
(Sidenote: I saw Thony's parents luggage the other day. They are bringing 700 pounds of stuff. That's not a joke. Literally, they are bringing 700 pounds of stuff. They have fourteen fifty pound suitcases and each of us will check two of them for free. What are they bringing? Fuck if I know)
I thought I'd also clear up some common misconceptions. When I tell people I'm going to Vietnam, 90% of the time I'm asked "Oh, is it safe for Americans over there? You'd better be careful!" As in insinuating that Charlie is still hiding in a hole eating sticky rice with his AK-47 waiting for me to waltz by. Now, I say stupid shit all the time, so I understand where you're coming from here guys. But no, the war ended almost 40 years ago. Those effected the worst by it are dead. For an entire new generation, the war is a distant memory, something out of a history book. They don't hold a grudge any more then we do.
Of course my parents are still worried sick. My father has shared with me many pearls of wisdom, like to "watch out for tigers and jungle snakes," as well as a two part warning against AIDS (he seems convinced I'll have sex with a prostitute, and also told me to watch out for people who might squirt blood into my eye. What?). But my father also locks the door to our house when he goes outside to get the mail and wouldn't let me outside in the entire state of New Jersey.
It's probably not very nice of me, but I whenever my parents annoy me with their paranoia I quote facts like "Did you know Laos has the most active landmines of any country?" or "Wow, I didn't know methamphetamine was so popular in Asia, did you?" Oh well, they'll live.
The real cause for concern is illness from unclean water, as well as high degrees of petty theft and tourist scams in places like Saigon. If any one of us gets sick it'll basically fuck all of us, so if you could say a prayer for me that would be good. Something along the lines of "Dear God, please don't let Nate get diarrhea."
Hopefully I'll find some time to update this when I'm over there. I might be too busy fucking prostitutes though.
Bon voyage or something. Peace out America!
Some assorted details I forgot: there will be four of us going, all high school buddies. Me and Thony, and also David and Ressa.
Ressa is basically the whitest kid ever. He eats mac n cheese and hotdogs, looks a lot like Justin Bieber (despite being the oldest of us), and talks a lot about the Stock Market. My goal is to put him in as many culturally challenging positions as possible. Like in the warm embrace of a Thai ladyboy. You know, to open his mind.
David is basically me but smarter. Good company.
Now, for a long time I was under the impression that this was it, us four merry pranksters. Out of the blue one day Thony messages me "Oh by the way my parents and 15 year old sister are going."
WHAT?
Initially I was not thrilled about this. Tony's mom calls him at least 5 times a day, just to ask him what kind of sub he got from Subway. Jesus man, you can't even sever the cord for a month?
Now that I've had time to think I'm actually glad they're coming. They'll only be with us in Laos; Vietnam is our own thing. And we are staying part time in their Columbian Drug Mansion, so I'd be a whiny bitch to complain. But also Tony's parents are actually really funny and cool to hang out with. I've also been assured that we can go off on our own for a few days, perhaps with one of Tony's cousins or uncles as a guide.I'm cool with it all around.
(Sidenote: I saw Thony's parents luggage the other day. They are bringing 700 pounds of stuff. That's not a joke. Literally, they are bringing 700 pounds of stuff. They have fourteen fifty pound suitcases and each of us will check two of them for free. What are they bringing? Fuck if I know)
I thought I'd also clear up some common misconceptions. When I tell people I'm going to Vietnam, 90% of the time I'm asked "Oh, is it safe for Americans over there? You'd better be careful!" As in insinuating that Charlie is still hiding in a hole eating sticky rice with his AK-47 waiting for me to waltz by. Now, I say stupid shit all the time, so I understand where you're coming from here guys. But no, the war ended almost 40 years ago. Those effected the worst by it are dead. For an entire new generation, the war is a distant memory, something out of a history book. They don't hold a grudge any more then we do.
Of course my parents are still worried sick. My father has shared with me many pearls of wisdom, like to "watch out for tigers and jungle snakes," as well as a two part warning against AIDS (he seems convinced I'll have sex with a prostitute, and also told me to watch out for people who might squirt blood into my eye. What?). But my father also locks the door to our house when he goes outside to get the mail and wouldn't let me outside in the entire state of New Jersey.
It's probably not very nice of me, but I whenever my parents annoy me with their paranoia I quote facts like "Did you know Laos has the most active landmines of any country?" or "Wow, I didn't know methamphetamine was so popular in Asia, did you?" Oh well, they'll live.
The real cause for concern is illness from unclean water, as well as high degrees of petty theft and tourist scams in places like Saigon. If any one of us gets sick it'll basically fuck all of us, so if you could say a prayer for me that would be good. Something along the lines of "Dear God, please don't let Nate get diarrhea."
Hopefully I'll find some time to update this when I'm over there. I might be too busy fucking prostitutes though.
Bon voyage or something. Peace out America!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
The Journey Begins Here
Two days until departure. Two days! Queue Phil Collins music: I've been waiting for this moment... for all my life....
In two days I leave for Southeast Asia. Five weeks total, spread between Laos and Vietnam with a just a little sprinkle of Bangkok. Why am I going to Asia? To topple the communist regime of course. Finish what we started. Assassinate Colonel Kurtz. And if I can squeeze a little play in, I would like to ride an elephant and feed it a banana.
For reals, this trip is pure leisure. But the answer to why Asia--and specifically why Laos/Vietnam--really goes back to my buddy Tony Tran. Tony, you see, is Super Asian. Just google image Tony Tran and you'll see about 30 pages of funny asian people with the same haircut. It's a common name, but technically Tony is unique. Tony's birth certificate reads "Anthony Thony Tran", because his parents wanted his middle name to be Tony and thought the abbreviated version was spelled Thony like it is in Anthony. Hah, that's so asian. We poke fun at Thony all time, but it's friendly and playful. After all, we wouldn't want him to get mad and eat our dogs.
Tony's mom is from Laos, and his dad from Vietnam. I don't know the full story, but his parents fled here sometime in the 70's. I believe the story goes Tony's dad lived in North Vietnam--the communist side--and was going to be drafted. And somehow he ended up here, probably broke and speaking no English. I'll skip the rags to riches story because I don't know the details, but nowadays the Tran's are doing quite well. They even bought Tony a new Honda Civic SI for him to look more Asian in.
Anyway, I met Tony in highschool and going to his house was always like a little adventure. The first thing you always notice when you go in is the smell. For lack of a better word, I'd describe it as "Asian."
And then there is the food. Oh god the food. Growing up, the best days were when Tony's parents made eggrolls or pho (vietnamese noodle soup). Asian hospitality is truly amazing--Tony's parents have always been extremely generous to me and I'm very grateful to them. Typically, Tony's mom will insist that we eat more, and more, and more, and she'll continue to bring out different foods until we're pleasantly slumped over in our chairs, unable to contemplate anything other than moving to the couch. And then she'll bring us more food.
There is always a steady rotation of extended family over at Tony's. It's exactly like Gran Torino. There are all manner of aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews. His maternal grandparents live with him and make fun of us in Lao as we try to eat spicy foods and fumble with chopsticks--Tony says they have nicknames for all of us but won't tell me what mine is.
And so over the years we've always joked about going to Laos and Vietnam. Tony still has family there in both countries. In fact, his parents built a vacation home in Laos a few years back that looks like a massive Columbian drug lord mansion. His dad showed me a picturebook of it being built step by step once.
"I only pay them two dollah. Two dollah per person," Tony's dad laughs.
"Wow, two dollars an hour?"
"Nonono, two dollah a day!"
It's been a fantasy ever since. I love the food. It's one of the cheapest areas in the world. And if Tony's family is any indication, I'll love the people. And so somehow it all just came about this year. I worked my ass off over winter break to pay for plane fare, and now it's paid off. Two more days to wait, and then we fly...
I'm not sure whats in store for us. We start with two weeks in Laos with three days of Bangkok in there somewhere. In Laos we have almost nothing planned under the assumption that whatever we read in a guidebook isn't going to be nearly as cool as what Tony's native family can show us. The only thing I do know is that I'll be going to the General of Laos son's wedding. Yes, seriously. Don't ask me how it happened. It's going to be surreal.
Then three weeks in Vietnam. Saigon, bustling mega-metropolis. Phu Quoc, remote untouched beach island paradise. Da Nang and Hoi An-- more cities. Hanoi, grungy capital of the north. Halong Bay, world heritage sight and stunning natural beauty.
It's going to be a blast. (Unless we all get diarrhea and shit our brains out. Which is a distinct possibility).
In two days I leave for Southeast Asia. Five weeks total, spread between Laos and Vietnam with a just a little sprinkle of Bangkok. Why am I going to Asia? To topple the communist regime of course. Finish what we started. Assassinate Colonel Kurtz. And if I can squeeze a little play in, I would like to ride an elephant and feed it a banana.
For reals, this trip is pure leisure. But the answer to why Asia--and specifically why Laos/Vietnam--really goes back to my buddy Tony Tran. Tony, you see, is Super Asian. Just google image Tony Tran and you'll see about 30 pages of funny asian people with the same haircut. It's a common name, but technically Tony is unique. Tony's birth certificate reads "Anthony Thony Tran", because his parents wanted his middle name to be Tony and thought the abbreviated version was spelled Thony like it is in Anthony. Hah, that's so asian. We poke fun at Thony all time, but it's friendly and playful. After all, we wouldn't want him to get mad and eat our dogs.
Tony's mom is from Laos, and his dad from Vietnam. I don't know the full story, but his parents fled here sometime in the 70's. I believe the story goes Tony's dad lived in North Vietnam--the communist side--and was going to be drafted. And somehow he ended up here, probably broke and speaking no English. I'll skip the rags to riches story because I don't know the details, but nowadays the Tran's are doing quite well. They even bought Tony a new Honda Civic SI for him to look more Asian in.
Anyway, I met Tony in highschool and going to his house was always like a little adventure. The first thing you always notice when you go in is the smell. For lack of a better word, I'd describe it as "Asian."
And then there is the food. Oh god the food. Growing up, the best days were when Tony's parents made eggrolls or pho (vietnamese noodle soup). Asian hospitality is truly amazing--Tony's parents have always been extremely generous to me and I'm very grateful to them. Typically, Tony's mom will insist that we eat more, and more, and more, and she'll continue to bring out different foods until we're pleasantly slumped over in our chairs, unable to contemplate anything other than moving to the couch. And then she'll bring us more food.
There is always a steady rotation of extended family over at Tony's. It's exactly like Gran Torino. There are all manner of aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews. His maternal grandparents live with him and make fun of us in Lao as we try to eat spicy foods and fumble with chopsticks--Tony says they have nicknames for all of us but won't tell me what mine is.
And so over the years we've always joked about going to Laos and Vietnam. Tony still has family there in both countries. In fact, his parents built a vacation home in Laos a few years back that looks like a massive Columbian drug lord mansion. His dad showed me a picturebook of it being built step by step once.
"I only pay them two dollah. Two dollah per person," Tony's dad laughs.
"Wow, two dollars an hour?"
"Nonono, two dollah a day!"
It's been a fantasy ever since. I love the food. It's one of the cheapest areas in the world. And if Tony's family is any indication, I'll love the people. And so somehow it all just came about this year. I worked my ass off over winter break to pay for plane fare, and now it's paid off. Two more days to wait, and then we fly...
I'm not sure whats in store for us. We start with two weeks in Laos with three days of Bangkok in there somewhere. In Laos we have almost nothing planned under the assumption that whatever we read in a guidebook isn't going to be nearly as cool as what Tony's native family can show us. The only thing I do know is that I'll be going to the General of Laos son's wedding. Yes, seriously. Don't ask me how it happened. It's going to be surreal.
Then three weeks in Vietnam. Saigon, bustling mega-metropolis. Phu Quoc, remote untouched beach island paradise. Da Nang and Hoi An-- more cities. Hanoi, grungy capital of the north. Halong Bay, world heritage sight and stunning natural beauty.
It's going to be a blast. (Unless we all get diarrhea and shit our brains out. Which is a distinct possibility).
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