I've been in Laos for two days now. I don't think I can do the experience justice without about 20,000 words, so I think I'll just stick to the highlight reel. It's a different world over here. And I fucking love it.
We've been in Vientiane, the capital city, staying at Tony's Columbian Drug Mansion. I'll post pics later but for now, let's just say it's a paradise. All white marble, huge pillars, a 360-degree balcony with a stunning view... papaya and mango trees spring up in the huge lush yard... butterflies flit about everywhere. I'm definitely not roughing it over here.
But it is different here. The house is about 15 minutes outside the city, and that's far enough to change to bumpy dirt roads and rice paddies. Cows just laze around and little kids herd them across the street. I'm so mind-fucked just trying to convey every nuance and detail... I'll have to save that for later. For now, let's stick to the good stories.
Last night we ate dog.
Now don't get all butthurt about it, I am a HUGE dog lover too. So I wasn't without reservations. On the way there I was nervous-- my mouth dry, my heart beating a little fast, but for some reason, I wanted to do it. Dogs run around in the streets here everywhere, so of course I noticed every single one of them being all cute and playful on the way there. I'm going to eat you, I thought.
And I did.
Long story short, it's pretty good. Chewy, dark, kind of like pork. Once I saw it just sitting there already prepared, it was easy. It looked like a big rack of ribs... with a little tail poking out. We dipped the meat in a spicy sauce made of, guess what, dog organs! Everyone else ate it too, although we feel varying degrees of guilt. David is trying to rationalize it still. Fuck it, I'm over it. I'll get into the moralizing later.
What else what else what else... so much to love here. It's awesome being the minority and having people laugh at you. I meet eyes with people and at first they just stare, perhaps trying not to gawk (although some openly just look at you like "what the fuck are you doing here?") Then almost simultaneously we'll both smile and laugh. It's the best feeling. Sometimes groups of girls whistle at us as we walk, which is a welcome role reversal. They are stunningly beautiful by the way.
I've also eaten frogs, quail, tons of noodles, some sort of bugs that looked like grasshoppers, big green coconuts, whole baked fish on sticks, weird looking alien fruits... so much in 2 days, and it's all fucking delicious. And no diarrhea yet!
Went to a Lao nightclub last night, got completely hammered. All they drink here is beerlao, a 5% really smooth, slightly bitter beer that is delicious. They come in 1L bottles for $1 about anywhere you go, even the nightclub. I think the four of us plus Tony's cousin from our dog dinner onward had about 30 of them. Yes, this is going somewhere funny.
We were already hammered entering the nightclub, and I was pretty fucking exhausted already so I really just wanted to chill, but the atmosphere was hilarious. Super loud american party music blasted, I mean I'm talking the same songs you'd here at a frat party. We Don't Speak No Americano came on, it was insane. Tons of beautiful asian girls everywhere. Probably some were prostitutes. Not really sure.
Well Tony and Ressa were basically blacked out. Ressa started talking to these asian dudes, and by talking I mean yelling English words that they couldn't understand. Tony kept buying round after round of beers, chain-smoking ciggarettes, and at one point attempted to buy a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, which would have taken us from hammered to dead about a quarter way in. Luckily we talked him out of it.
Well after awhile Tony and Ressa were so drunk Tony's cousin and uncle decided we should probably leave. I went to tear Ressa away from his dude-pals, and made an interesting discovery.
You see, as I was trying to convince Ressa to leave ("Why are we leaving?") the guy Ressa had been talking to kind of playfully grabbed at my nipples. I just laughed because it was so unexpected. Then he shouted something in my ear.
I thought he said "I'm Kwey", like his name, and repeated it.
"Nono," he said, and he repeated it, this time sounding like "Fung Shwei." I really had no clue what he was saying.
Then, right about the time he started gently squeezing my dick, just a little honkin', I realized what he was saying.
He was saying I'm Gay.
I burst out laughing. "Of course. You're gay."
So Ressa had been hanging out with a gay asian dude for about an hour--whom I later found out grabbed everyone's dick except Tony's. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
As we were leaving we couldn't find Tony. After awhile he comes out with two giant bottles of beer. "Oh, there you are. Shit, I just bought four more beers. Oh well." So the whole ride home I had a nice liter of beer to keep me company-- as if I needed it.
Now I was pretty drunk, but I'm a controlled drunk. David too. But Ressa and Tony? They ould barely talk, let alone walk. They fell asleep in our Tuc-Tuc (a three-wheeled cart that you sit in the back of) almost instantly.
Their night went downhill after that. Tony not only puked, he puked in his hat for some reason. Ressa spilled his guts too. Ressa is really belligerent when he's wasted, and spent about 5 minutes arguing with me that he could just "sleep in the vehicle" as I tried to help him out and get him to bed. Tony's mom was concerned, and Tony's dad just laughed at him.
Also, Tony fell asleep in the bathtub with the shower on. I tried to get him into bed but he wasn't having it, so I went downstairs to eat some grasshoppers instead. I'm a good friend.
I've seen so much cool shit in just two days. I can't even process it all. I'll write something better when I get home with pictures, but for now I'll just ramble every once in awhile. All for you dear readers, whoever the fuck you are.
Everyone has a great sense of humor over here. Tony's family is awesome. One of the older women said I was white like Micheal Jackson and had a very handsome nose. They all like my nose. Note: I have a beak-nose.
We came in super-white and everyone marveled at our skin. White is beautiful here. Girls carry around umbrellas during the day to keep their skin fair. Of course in two days I've been massively sunburned. I hope this doesn't lower my value.
Well, stay tuned for more adventures. I'll try to be less rambly next time, but hey, this internet isn't free you know. It's almost an entire dollar an hour.
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