That sounds pretty sweet, but really, it wasn't anything special. It was probably as close as you can come to an American wedding reception in Laos. It was in a big fancy dining hall with a ton of old people, the food was all slightly cold, poor attempts at Western favorites like spaghetti, and really, we had no business being there. I don't mean to sound like a dick--it just wasn't what I wanted to be doing in a foreign country. We were only there at Tony's aunt's behest.
The upside was each table was given a full bottle of Johhny Walker Black label and we were sitting with a bunch of 14 year old girls. Notice how good of a setup that was for a pedophile joke. But no, I won't do it. I can control myself. I CAN STOP ANY TIME!!!
We had to wake up at 6am the next morning to go to Bangkok, but we all kept having "just one more glass" and that was quickly forgotten. We actually ended up having a fairly good time once we were drunk enough to dance in front of 300 Asian people.
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| See? I can humiliate myself too. |
The problem was "one more glass" eventually turned into "one more bottle." The band started playing some upbeat stuff and the dancing got pretty rowdy. I recall trying to teach some Asian people The Robot. And Tony was putting down a healthy amount of Johnny Walker.
Let me take a moment to discuss the four phases of inebriation for Tony, since he's going to do some stupid stuff here soon, and again later in the trip, and again later, and pretty much any time he gets drunk. It took me awhile to notice, but he always follows the same predictable drunk trajectory. Let's look closer.
Stage One: Sober and Aggressively Drinking.
This is Tony's shortest stage. During this time Tony will drink twice as fast as anyone else and do things like chug Thai Whiskey Buckets. Any attempt to tell him to slow down produces the response "Are you kidding me," or "Come on! We're in Asia!"
Stage Two: He's Not Drunk
After six or so rapidly consumed drinks, Tony becomes invincible. During this stage he "Just wants to dance" or "Is going to go ride his motorbike around the city." Persuading him of anything becomes difficult. His defense to any argument becomes "I'm not even drunk."
Stage Three: He's Not Drunk with a side of Ask Him Any Question.
The most dangerous stage. Tony has continued to drink steadily into the 8-10 drink range. He is now more insistent then ever that he should ride his motorbike, go to an expensive club half way across the city, or buy a bunch of shots. Money means nothing to him. He will attempt to go off on his own. He will continue to insist that he's not drunk, and to prove it he requests you "Ask him any question." This stage can last indefinitely, until:
Stage Four: He's Drunk
Tony admits he's fucked up. This happens with remarkable suddenness. During this stage Tony will eat disgusting amounts of food and then pass out.
By the time this wedding deal was done Tony decided he wanted to go to a nightclub. Tony's mom was understandably concerned, espeically since we had to be up at 6 and it was now midnight.
"No, it's fine. I'm not drunk." He told her.
WARNING. WARNING. WARNING.
Tony's cousin assured her he'd take care of us. I opted to ride in the back of his pickup with Tony, who in a rare moment of rationality told me to not let him drink anymore.
He ended up drinking more.
That ride is one of my better memories. A warm, euphoric whiskey buzz coursed through me and the fresh night air whipped at my hair as Vientiane breezed by. At stoplights groups of beautiful young Asian girls on mopeds would gawk and laugh at me, the out-of-place white kid in the back of a pickup. I'd attempt to exchange a few words to their great amusement, and then we'd smile, wave, and be off cruising through the city again.
The club we went to was a different one but more of the same. The finest in Western pop music and Asian people doing funny reserved hand dances. This time I knew what to expect and was having a blast being a dancing fool, but Tony stole the show.
Tony was dancing like he'd just mainlined ecstasy. He took his dress shirt off and was still pouring sweat just wearing a wife-beater. All of us, including Tony's cousin, just looked at each other like WTF did he snort? He would repeatedly bump into this pissed-off dude behind him, turn around and say sorry, then go right back to dancing and bump into him again 30 seconds later. Tony's cousin eventually went to talk to the guy, presumably to apologize profusely.
Also on my eye was an interesting girl behind Tony shaking her ass everywhere. At one point she clearly winked at me, licked her lips, and made the "come hither" motion with her finger. However, I just smiled and shook my head.
Instead, I tapped Tony on the shoulder and pointed to the girl. I saw his drunken brain whirring, trying to plot his approach. She smiled at him. He sidled right over and started grinding all up on her. I mean, they were really going at it.
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
This girl was very clearly a kathoey. Translation: she wasn't a she. Tall, lean and muscular, huge fake tits, a prominent jawbone and a hint of an adam's apple... it was completely obvious that she was a tranny. He seriously had no idea until we told him later, and he spent a good few hours in denial.
So recap: night out #2, Tony dances with a transsexual.
Side note: this is unbelievably common in Asia. Thailand is most well known for it, where kathoeys are considered a "third gender." A lot of drunk foreigners are stupid like Tony and simply not perceptive, but even when you're careful you can be surprised. You just need to keep an eye out for the genuine hot chicks.
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| Woah. |
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| Daaaaamn girl |
Yeah, those are dudes.
Sometimes, you really just can't tell. It's best not to let it bother you. Just keep in mind that life is full of surprises, and sometimes that surprise is a penis.
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